Another counselling session done and this one was the most forgettable. I don’t really think we talked about anything major. I didn’t have anything specifically that I wanted to discuss. I don’t really feel like these counselling sessions are helping much, although I am feeling much better but I don’t feel like counselling is the cause. *shrugs*
I started by saying that generally I’ve been feeling good this week. I haven’t had any crying breakdowns and today is the first day that I’ve actually been alone all day and been fine with it – a task I wasn’t able to accomplish last week. I’ve even filled out a form expressing my interest in the Reading Volunteering Scheme. I’m hoping that they will get back to me soon, I’d like to get stuck in and actually help people. We established that I’m ready to explore my options, I want to have something to work on and keep me busy. Though I’m not really sure what my options are, and the thought of actually working does make me anxious. But at least I’m feeling ready to explore, as before I didn’t feel ready to even start looking. I know I’m not ready for a full-time job yet but step by step I’ll get there. Though I am only looking at volunteering as my GP told me it would be a good first step on the road to going back to work. If the volunteering team don’t get back to me I don’t know what else to do.
I told my therapist about how I’m wondering whether I should go see my careers adviser at university. The problem with this is that I’m embarrassed as it is where my old job was. I don’t want to see all the staff, I don’t want to see if someone new is at my old desk, but I feel like it’s the only place I can go for career and volunteering help. Perhaps I can google it to see if there are any other organisations which can offer help in town. Anyway I know I should get over the embarrassment, I’m sure not many of the staff (if any) will notice that I go for a careers meeting, and if they do they will want to just see if I’m any better health wise. I just don’t know if I want to face it.
We spoke a bit about art this week too. I’ve always enjoyed art but it’s been a few years since I last made an art piece. This week I’ve been doing a self-portrait to get myself back into it and I enjoy it. It distracts me from any negative thoughts I’m having as I get immersed in the drawing. I completed my self portrait yesterday and we discussed that I felt a sense of accomplishment. I thought it was pretty decent and I like seeing a product finished after many, many hours of hard work. My therapist suggested I make an art piece for how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been thinking this myself but I wouldn’t know what to paint. I just feel a sense of confusion. It would be a person with numerous thought bubbles coming out of their head and with nowhere for them to go. Maybe I will start the art project, time will tell I guess.
She asked me again if I have any idea why my depression started and as I’ve said before, I don’t really. We ended up just discussing silly little falling outs with my friends when I was 15/16 years old. That was the time when my friendship group really started to change and I became a bit more isolated in college. Perhaps the feeling of isolation is what made my depression worsen – I’m not hugely convinced myself but it’s the closest to a cause we’ve discovered.
The final thing we talked about was a bit awkward. She was saying how I want to explore my options but I feel like I’m not really getting anything in return, that I don’t feel any different. I agreed with this completely. She then asked me how I feel the counselling sessions are going. I did some umming and ahhing before saying that I felt the same way. I know she can’t magically fix me but I don’t feel much different from the counselling sessions. Of course it’s nice to have someone to talk to about how I feel, but once I leave that room I don’t feel different to how I did when I entered it. She seemed to understand how I felt at least. We made a bit of a joke of it. Counselling bants. I discovered that I only have two 2 sessions left, a fact I probably should have been told weeks ago, so I knew how many sessions I was going to have. I told my therapist that I feel like after the 6 sessions I still won’t know what I want to do with my life. She replied saying that yes it’s unlikely that I will, but perhaps we can aim for accepting that I don’t know, and not beating myself up about it. I guess that is a good aim as I do want to accept myself for how I am, but again I doubt this will be achieved in 2 weeks time.
So that was basically it, or all I can remember at least – it seems the most forgettable session. I’m just feeling a bit stuck in how I am at the moment.
M
Photo by Kairat Murataliev on Unsplash
The Storm in my Head 