Guess who’s back, back again

It's been such a long time since I wrote on here. How to blog. What are words. A lot has changed since my last post in November. If someone was to look at my life they probably wouldn't see much difference, to the outside world I probably look the same, but on the inside I …

Update

It's been a few weeks, probably a month actually, since I have done a blog post. I wanted to take a break and with finishing my counselling it fitted well. I quickly realised that I was writing for the wrong reasons. It started as a space where I could express my feelings, get the pain …

Alive but not living

Have you ever felt like a shell of a person? There is my body, the part you can see, but inside I feel nothing. Nothing but a weight inside my chest. So much emotion and pain that I can't seem to get away from. So much emotion and pain that I can't express. I pick …

Counselling session #6

Well ladies and gentlemen it is the end of this counselling saga. I know I know it's upsetting. Please don't shed too many tears. I don't think this session was particularly interesting or thought-provoking sadly. I will run through the session in what we discussed and will then do my post counselling thoughts. We started …

Counselling session #5

Surprisingly I actually found this counselling session helpful and insightful. Shocking I know. I didn't even want to go today, I didn't feel like I had much to say or that these sessions are helping at all. But I think I understood my thoughts a bit better after counselling today. I started with a bit …

Counselling session #4

Another counselling session done and this one was the most forgettable. I don't really think we talked about anything major. I didn't have anything specifically that I wanted to discuss. I don't really feel like these counselling sessions are helping much, although I am feeling much better but I don't feel like counselling is the …

World Mental Health Day

I saw online that today is World Mental Health Day and I felt that I had to make a post about it. As someone who suffers with mental illness I know the stigma that we face well. We have come a long way, mental health is becoming a much more present conversation topic in society, …

Counselling session #3

I always find the start of my counselling sessions really awkward. After saying hello and letting me in, she just sits and stares at me, waiting for me to talk. No 'hello how are you?' or 'how has your week been?' I just feel like that would be a nice ease into it. Instead she …

Beating myself up

I had archery today for the first time since June. I was looking forward to it as it's the one hobby I have and I've missed my archery pals. Especially as I have no job at the moment, besides counselling, archery is the one thing I know I will be doing each week. So I …

The fear of being stuck with my own company

It's 10:26am as I start writing this post and I've already started crying. Both my housemates are out the house today as they have work to do. So I'm stuck with myself all day, and it is a genuine fear I have. I don't want to cause my housemates or anyone else to change how …

Counselling session #2

Today's counselling session was more of the 'typical talking style' that I imagined counselling would be like, compared to the introductory one I had last week that was more of an explanation of my situation. We drifted through various topics that affect my mood and I will describe them as I go on. But the …

What am I doing with my life?

I sit alone in my house, having just finished half a tub of ice cream and I'm sat watching The Great British Bake Off. Outwardly I seem fine, a girl simply having a cosy night in on the sofa. But inwardly I feel so unsatisfied. Term has started again and it's a tough time for …

Counselling session #1

A fair amount has happened since my last post Struggling. I have taken the plunge and moved back to Reading, leaving behind me the home comforts of cooked meals from my mum and not having to do anything myself really. It was hard and I really had to drag myself here, but I knew it …

Struggling

I can't shift this feeling from my mind. I feel like I'm suffocating in it. I know that this time last week I was feeling really positive and had some great days - but I can't remember it. My mind is blank, I try to remember me happy, laughing and smiling but I can't. All …

NHS and Mental Health

It's been a rough few days. Okay rough is putting it mildly. Sandpaper doesn't do it justice. I thought I had already reached my lowest point mentally but nope, there is still even lower where my brain can go! I've spoken before about how when I was back in Reading (my house with my boyfriend …

“You won’t like me when I’m angry”

*sighs* These past two days have been pretty bad for me mentally. I could go on at you about all the crying I have done, the fear inside my chest and how I actually had a panic attack (something I have never experienced before and wouldn't wish on anyone), but the feeling I have right …

Time

I find it interesting how time can affect mental illness. It's something I don't understand but in my own experiences I know it is apparent. For myself I find mornings the hardest. I tend to wake up in a low mood and my anxiety is very present. My mind keeps thinking about everything, the "what …

We are not alone

My brain often tricks me into thinking that I'm all alone. No one else can see what goes on inside my head, they don't feel my pain. This is true to an extent, but I am not alone. I know I'm very lucky to have a supportive network around me and at times I don't …

Dark days

I hate the loneliness I feel some days. A feeling that I'm all alone in my suffering and that I have to deal with it and try to overcome it myself. I know rationally that I am not alone, I have supportive friends and family, but they will never truly be able to understand what …

Good days, bad days, and a bit of both days

One of the things I hear and read a lot of people say about mental health is that there will be good days and bad days. This is certainly true, I've experienced many good days and then when I have a bad day I get annoyed at myself for "going back to square one" but …